Some fun today, lifted from the pages of my most recent book, The Magic of the Bike Path (A Jack Miller Senior Moment: Book Six). Jack hasn’t ridden the Ultimate Bike Path for nine months due to a “major malfunction.” Now, the Old Guy—his alien handler—has assured him that the issue has been resolved. The cosmic tunnel is perfectly safe. The powers-that-be have also installed what Jack and the Old Guy name a Dipshit Deterrent to keep questionable riders off the path, something that has always been a problem for Jack. So far it has proven effective 76.4% of the time. Jack remains dubious but enters the Ultimate Bike Path anyway. Here is the scene.
For starters, the Ultimate Bike Path appeared to be wider than before. With some of the road hogs I’d encountered—the enormous, freestanding butthole came to mind—this was a good thing. The walls were still that same rust red, as was the low-hanging mist on the ground, though made brighter by the fact that all of the random gates I passed in the first few seconds were surrounded by those same twinkly, multi-colored lights. Maybe I had detoured into a cosmic pinball machine. Where was Tommy, that deaf, dumb, and blind kid, when you needed him? And with regard to the ground mist, a yellow stripe that went on without end glowed through it. A lane divider! For sure, another good fix by the powers-that-be. And yeah, I quickly nudged the Nishiki a tad over to the right. As Holly often said, metaphorically speaking, it’s often good to stay in your own lane. Wise woman, my dear bride.
No other riders in either direction just yet, so I slowed down even more and checked out the gates on both sides. After the brief random pattern a longer run of isosceles triangles with the fireworks ensued, quite a display in conjunction with the twinkly lights. Then, the iridescent snowmen with the skinny needles, also with enhanced gaudiness. A subsequent brief run of the gate shaped like Florida wearing a Stetson hat turned into a much longer random pattern. As advertised, the toothbrush gate with the human heart was nowhere to be seen, thank the Great Spirit—as well as the powers-that-be of the mhuva lun gallee.
The one that started it all.
The first life forms soon appeared, riding in the opposite direction. Good, they were staying in their own lane. I quickly inventoried eight of them, each straddling a black wheel that more closely resembled a burnt “everything” bagel. They were shaped like two-feet-tall ferrets, though with human-like faces. Each of them wore a classic fedora, a la Indiana Jones, which they tipped in my direction as they passed. I responded with a thumbs-up.
Okay, that first encounter went well, but I wasn’t sure about the next one. A hulking life form atop a green carburetor-shaped go-thing pulled up on my left, and when its dangly eyeballs met mine, I nearly watered my Fruit of the Looms. Remember the ugly tusked creature that “welcomes” C-3PO and R2-D2 into Jabba the Hutt’s palace in Return of the Jedi? Well, this one paralleling my Nishiki sort of looked like that, only uglier. Oh shit!
The life form nodded—more like a slight bow—and said, in a rumbling voice, “Nice day for a ride. Hope you enjoy yourself,” then sped off before I could respond.
Okay, Jack judged a book by its cover and came off looking like a jerk. You’re never too old to learn, right? I guess the Fuckwad Frustrater—oh, wait, we settled on Dipshit Deterrent, didn’t we?—must be working.
So when the next life form going in my direction—it looked like one of the scary Mole People from that 1950s horror movie—pulled up alongside me on an impossibly skinny unicycle, I gave it my brightest smile and said, “Hey, my man, how’s it hanging?”
The mole guy replied, “I would like to see you hanging so that after you perish, I can slice you open and consume your gallbladder, which is my favorite delicacy.”
Always nice to make a friend along the… Wait, what did it say? It started to reach for me with one of its mole paws, so I tore ass out of there, attaining blur-speed in a matter of seconds. I guess the mole guy was one of the 23.6% that slipped past the Dipshit Deterrent. Asshole. Note to myself: you still need to remain vigilant on the Ultimate Bike Path.
And besides, I had my gallbladder removed quite a few years ago.
I have begun work on Jack’s further adventures in Mysteries of the Bike Path (A Jack Miller Senior Moment: Book Seven). It should be ready for public consumption by the end of the year.