Over two years ago I wrote a “Guilty Pleasures” post for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first screen romp as Conan the Barbarian in 1982. Since that time this particular post has received more views than any of the others I’ve done on my blog. Must be a lot of Conan—or Arnold—fans out there. At the time I also hinted at a post about Arnold’s 1984 sequel, Conan the Destroyer. The time has come to pay off on that.
While Conan the Barbarian is a true guilty pleasure—I love the film—I had to stop myself short of referring to its sequel as a guilty displeasure. There is much wrong with Conan the Destroyer—a good deal of which has to do with an acting-challenged cast. (Some even make Arnold look good.) But what the heck, it’s mildly entertaining, and it’s a sword & sorcery flick, and there has never been enough of those to go around.
The story opens with Conan, author Robert E. Howard’s brooding Cimmerian, mooning after his lost love Valeria, who died in the first film, while fellow thief Malak (the always annoying Tracey Walter) sizes up their loot from a recent heist. The nasty Queen Taramis of Shadizar (Sarah Douglas, even nastier as über-villain Ursa in the old Superman films) approaches with her head guardsman, Bombaata (the acting-challenged Wilt Chamberlain, who should’ve stuck to basketball). She wants Conan to accompany her niece, Princess Jehnna, on a quest to retrieve first a gem, then a horn. For that, she’ll bring Valeria back to life.
A true teenage crush…
Sheltered from men and in the throes of raging hormones, teenager Jehnna (a terminally cute and minimally acting-challenged Olivia d’Abo) is kind of whiny and pushy, but she also has the hots for Conan. (Oy!) On the journey they pick up a wizard named Akiro (Mako, reprising his role from the first film) and an amazon warrior named Zula (the wild, acting-challenged Grace Jones). First stop: an ice fortress in the middle of a lake, where Thoth-Amon, a wizard, possesses the gem that they seek. They succeed, though not before Conan, in a cool scene, does battle with a man-ape in a weird roomful of mirrors.
The six next travel to a temple where the horn of Dagoth is guarded by a bunch of religious whackos. Even when they’re ambushed by the queen’s men on the way, and Bombaata appears to take their side, Conan (the Gullible) doesn’t figure it out. At least, not until the horn has been retrieved and, as they escape through a tunnel after killing half of the whackos, old #13 brings a ton of rocks down on him and the others and flees with Jehnna.
Zula kicks butt!
Their number now reduced to four after they dig out, the band reaches Shadizar just as the “ceremony” begins. Jehnna has finally figured out that her aunt is a psycho bitch, but maybe too late, because they’ve stuck the horn on the forehead of Dagoth—at this point he looks like a statue of a spaced-out guy—and as soon as he begins to move, Jehnna will be toast at the hands of the high priest and his nasty knife.
Conan kills Bombaata, and his little band does the same to a bunch of other guys. They arrive in the throne room just as Dagoth begins to move. Zula impales the high priest before he can kill Jehnna, and everything goes to hell. Dagoth transforms into a hideous, pissed-off monster. (André the Giant; anybody want a peanut?) It kills Queen Taramis (cheers abound!) but is in turn killed by Conan who, in a gross scene, rips its horn out.
The final scene, done with great solemnity (I don’t know how the actors kept a straight face), has now-Queen Jehnna appointing Zula her Captain of the Guard, Akiro her advisor, and Malak her court jester. She offers Conan the chance to rule Shadizar with her as king, but the barbarian, possibly fearing statutory rape charges, declines and heads out to seek his own kingdom. Maybe he wasn’t so gullible after all.
Dagoth is anything but horny.
A closing voiceover promises another Conan story, but that didn’t happen, as Arnold went on to play numerous other entertaining roles, including his starring gig as Governator of Calee-fornia. Well, it didn’t happen until now. Believe it or not, a new Conan movie has been announced, with Arnold reprising his role. Say what?!? The dude is a year younger than me, and take my word for it, THAT’S OLD! I foresee a lot of work for his stunt doubles.
Anyway, this post is about Conan the Destroyer, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Like I said, it’s a sword & sorcery movie, and even a so-so one in this genre is better than a good chick flick, by Crom! Happy viewing.
Hey Mike. It’s always interesting to see what a guy says about something versus a girl (metaphorically speaking, of course).
It was inevitable that you went easy on Olivia d’Abo’s “acting skills” (she is terminally cute) which were on display for your pleasure. Unfortunately, that didn’t do anything to distract me from the bad story and worse acting. Arnold doesn’t do it for me, either, so this movie was pretty much of a let-down all the way around.
Except for one thing: the music. For some reason, I really like the score to this turkey even more than “Conan the Barbarian”, especially the overture playing during the opening credits. I can play that thing at full blast over and over again. And then it’s down hill from there.
But, as a girl who would pick an action-adventure or sci-fi movie over a chick flick any way of the week, given the choice between this dud and “Sleepless in Seattle”, I think Sleepless would win (after the overture). This one was that bad.
And another one coming? Oy. What, is Arnold feeling challenged by Jason Momoa encroaching on his territory? Now THAT man can just sit there in his Conan outfit (or Khal Drogo) and be terminally cute all he wants! He doesn’t have to worry his pretty little head about acting any more than the folks in this film.
OTT acting has always been a Hollywood trademark. (Point of reference: I just watched all four LETHAL WEAPON flicks, which drew their fair share of Razzie nominations.) What would we do without bad movies! I like this film’s score also, though not as much as the first. Basically, the score is mostly a variation of the original themes.
Having seen some of Arnold’s “new” films, I cringe at the thought of another Conan. Like most old action heroes, he should stick to cameos in the EXPENDABLES movies. 🙂
The first two “Lethal Weapon” movies are still on my guilty pleasures list, despite having to get past Mel Gibson’s more recent escapades in real life…especially a particular scene that is not usually in the “cut for network” version. He does have some nice assets, if you know what I mean. 🙂
Now…if Arnold would make the new Conan based on Roger Murtaugh’s catch phrase “I’m too old for this shit”, but not do it as a joke (like the “Expendables” movies), that has a chance of being interesting. You know, what is is really like to be an aging Conan living in that world? Make us sympathetic with his plight and really root for him. But that will never happen, for a slew of reasons.
You’re right, Kate…never happen.