The thundering drums from Basil Poledouris’s awesome score tell me that, for perhaps the hundredth time, I’m about to immerse myself in the 1982 screen exploits of author Robert E. Howard’s most famous character, Conan 
the Barbarian. What can I say? I love this film, warts and all. And the memorable soundtrack is only one of the reasons why.
Three decades ago, where the movie premiered, a lot of the reviews were brutal. But then, how many bad reviews have been written for fantasy, science fiction and horror films by reviewers that could give a rat’s ass about any of those genres? Some even proclaimed Conan the worst film of the year. Well, at least the Razzies didn’t think so; it wasn’t even nominated. Its star, Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yes, he was in the top 5 for Worst Actors, but he “lost” out to—believe it or not—Sir Laurence Olivier. (On the Razzies’ website, by the way, the movie is referred to as Conan the Bavarian.)
During his early movie career, Arnold usually didn’t say too much, and Conan was no exception. But then, the brooding Cimmerian seldom had much to say in Howard’s stories, so between the muscles and the minimalist dialogue, Arnold fit the role perfectly. His first lines come about twenty minutes in, and subsequently they’re spaced few and far between. His dialogue, and that of many other 
characters, can at times be painful to hear. But then, we can’t know how people spoke “…between the time the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas…” Can we now?
Serviceable sword & sorcery plot: the boy Conan sees his parents murdered by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his evil minions. Ah, vengeance as motivation. After a childhood and young adulthood of slavery and busting heads in arena games, Conan is set free and begins his quest for Thulsa Doom. Along the way he meets the kick-butt warrior woman Valeria (Sandahl Bergman, she of the incredible body who drove men nuts with her sexy dance sequence in All That Jazz), and he’s instantly smitten. (Curious: during the entire movie Valeria is never referred to by name; it shows up in the final credits.) Together they steal a valuable gem from one of Doom’s temples, and Conan kills the giant snake that guards it.
A king then sends Conan on a mission to rescue his daughter from Doom on his Mountain of Power (really!). Conan is captured by Doom, who is a bit put out by the theft: “You broke into my house, stole my property, murdered my 
servants, and my pets! And that is what grieves me the most! You killed my snake. Thorgrim is beside himself with grief! He raised that snake from the time it was born.” Poor guy. Conan is strung up to die but is rescued by Valeria and Subotai, another thief, and the trio breaks into Doom’s temple. They take out a whole bunch of Doom’s people and grab the king’s daughter, though not before first witnessing a well-attended orgy and a feast where the diners chow down on a thick green soup full of human body parts. Valeria is killed as they escape, and Conan consigns her body to flames.
In one of Arnold’s more memorable monologues of about seventy words he prays to his god, Crom, as he awaits Doom’s pissed-off top lieutenants, ending with: “Crom, grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!” Then, with the help of Valeria, who briefly returns from the dead, shouts “Do you wanna live forever?” and saves his butt, he hurries off to take out Doom once and for all. He succeeds, though not before Doom utters the lines that must’ve caused the distinguished James Earl Jones to cringe: “For who now is your father if it is not 
me? I am the wellspring from which you flow. When I am gone, you will have never been. What would your world be without me?” And off Conan rides, though not before the end credits hint at a sequel…which of course ultimately happened. But that’s another story, and maybe another post down the road.
So, hokey though it may be, Conan the Barbarian pays off for most fans of the genre. And it certainly beats the 2011 CGI-fest of the same name. So enjoy. And remember the answer that I always give when I hear this question posed: “Do you wanna live forever?”
“Actually, yes.”
SWORDS & SPECTERS: anyone in Southern California might be interested to know that I’ll be participating in an Author Meet & Greet event and signing copies of all my novels at Mysterious Galaxy bookstore in Redondo Beach, near L.A., on Saturday, June 23rd. Click on their link for all of the details.
Guilty? There is nothing guilty about loving this (or these, if you also enjoyed the sequel) movies! They are a great blend of modern action movie style with classic tough guy (I’m thinking Steve Reeves here) barbarian flicks. Great movie and a great post!
Thanks for the kind words. I did like the sequel…but Wilt Chamberlain as a warrior?!? Arnold even out-acted some of the characters in this one. 🙂 Glad you visited. Come back anytime. I feel “guilty” at least one post a month.
They did limit Wilt’s lines.
A wise choice, to be sure. 🙂
Mike,
There was this:
“Language and writing were also made available, the poetry of Khitai, the philosophy of Sung; and he also came to know the pleasures of women, when he was bred to the finest stock.”
From the dialog, it was clear that Conan only took one of those opportunities seriously. As a decent writer, you should be a teensy bit offended, if only on principle. 🙂
Unfortunately, the first time Arnold opened his mouth he destroyed any possible appeal for me, so I truly felt slighted in that department when the guys got the gorgeous Sandahl Bergman to look at. If it were a more serious movie, I might complain about the rampant mysogeny, but I definitely was not in the target audience for what was basically a living Frank Frazetta piece.
Despite its flaws, like most into SF or Fantasy, I appreciated the fact that any movie was being made in the genre, but I always hope for a little more seriousness, and decent craft. I suppose that is because I hate giving those who criticize genre work…on principle…any more ammo to use against it. You know, SF and Fantasy aren’t really “literature”. (And if you watch Syfy on any given Saturday night, you’ll have all the proof you need for that argument.)
But the score was absolutely to die for, as you said. I think it was less than a year ago that I hauled it out and was listening to it in the car. The overture is the only thing I liked in the sequel, but I still have to admit seeing it more than once.
I haven’t seen the recent remake yet and was incredibly disappointed to hear that it sucks…badly. Yes, I was considering the reputation of the genre. But, after seeing Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, I was so hoping to get the eye candy this time around and have a new guilty pleasure to add to my own list.
Ah, but you’re getting the hunk from the Twilight saga as the new Tarzan later this year, so there’s some eye candy to anticipate! 🙂
Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
Um, no, I’m not really “getting” that…and never did.
Yeah, me neither. Maybe it’s an “age” thing. 🙂
I had the influence of “Conan” in my teens, and read all I could get my hands on. I also saw the movies, indeed even have the DVDs, both old and the remake. I must admit, I did like them, even the second one with Wilt. I guess it may have helped that I never was much of a sports fan, but I digress.
So taken by the works of Mr. Howard was I that the WIP I have now is fashioned on his influence. In my dreams, maybe some day one of my works would be compared to one of his. One CAN dream, can’t one?
Dreams are what it’s all about, my friend. Thanks for exploring my blog. I hope you continue to enjoy it. 🙂
I enjoyed this movie quite a bit and I am looking forward to Legend of Conan. I did not see the modern re-make, although I do plan to watch it someday. (Too many movies/shows to watch and not enough time!) But seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger as an older Conan–especially if they stick closely to the stories–would be wonderful.
Looks like LEGEND OF CONAN is far off, Chris. Let’s just hope it gets done before Arnold turns eighty. 🙂 But you’re right, it could be wonderful–if they don’t play it for laughs or nostalgia or whatever.
You are right. If it is treated as a comedy, it will be ruined. Let’s hope that someone who is actually a fan of the genre writes the script!
Chris