Having just watched the fourth film in the nearly forty-year-old franchise, Ghostbusters: Afterlife, I decided to feature these movies in my next three posts. This week: lines from the first two films. The following week, lines from the more recent entities. And finally, I’ll rate the films—in my humble estimation, of course. (And, of course, the Ghostbusters theme song is stuck in my head as I write this. Can I pass it on to you? “Who ya gonna call?”)
GHOSTBUSTERS (1984)
“Ghostbusters, whaddya want?” Janine Melnitz (Annie Potts), Ghostbusters secretary, answering the phone in her inimitable New York way.
“We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!” Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) after taking down Slimer at a hotel—and trashing the place.
Ray Stantz (Dan Aykroyd) is not happy about being kicked out of the university: “Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities; we didn’t have to produce anything. You’ve never been out of college. You don’t know what it’s like out there! I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results!”
“We’re ready to believe you!”
Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) explains why crossing the energy streams from their proton pack weapons would be bad: “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.” Peter’s response: “All right, important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.”
Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver), possessed by Zuul, to Peter: “I want you inside me!” His response: “No, I can’t! It sounds like you’ve got at least two or three people in there already.”
Peter, Ray, and Egon in a TV commercial: “We’re ready to believe you!”
Janine asks Egon if he has any hobbies. His reply: “I collect spores, molds, and fungus.”
The guys discuss crossing the streams. Peter tells Egon, “You’re gonna endanger us, you’re gonna endanger our client…that nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog.” Egon’s response: “Not necessarily. There’s definitely a very slim chance we’ll survive.”
“There is no Dana, only Zuul!”
Egon is excited about the prospect of seeing a ghost: “This is big, Peter, this is very big. There is definitely something here.” Peter says, “Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?” Egon’s reply: “That would’ve worked if you hadn’t stopped me.”
Dana tells Peter about the demon named Zuul that she saw in her refrigerator. Peter’s response: “Generally you don’t see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.”
The guys are bummed about Ray summoning the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man as the Destructor. Peter’s take: “We’ve been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft’s okay. He’s a sailor, he’s in New York. We get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble.”
GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989)
Egon, discussing his childhood: “My parents didn’t believe in toys.” Ray asks, “You mean you never even had a Slinky?” Egon’s reply: “We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.”
There is a slime river under the Big Apple, caused by everyone’s bad attitudes, and it all seems to flow toward a museum where a scary-looking painting of Vigo the Carpathian is being restored by Dana. Egon says, “Not exactly a man of the people. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.” Why so bad? Ray explains: “He didn’t die of old age either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered.”
Peter meets Oscar, Dana’s baby. “You’re short, your bellybutton sticks out too far, and you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother.”
Egon, Ray, and Winston (Ernie Hudson), wearing yellow raincoats before descending to the river of slime, intercept Peter as he’s about to take Dana out to dinner. Peter says, “Can I have one try? All you can eat barbecue ribs night at the Sizzler.”
After the guys ask Peter to come with them, Peter says, “Dana, the guys are going down to the sewer to check for slime stuff. And Egon thinks there may be a huge surge in cockroach breeding. Want to blow off this dinner and go with them?” Dana’s response: “Taxi!”
Vigo is a rather nasty-looking entity.
Ray asks Egon, “You think there’s a connection between this Vigo character and the slime?” Egon’s response: “Is the atomic weight of cobalt 58.9?” I’m sure all of us knew that.
Peter addresses the painting of Vigo, not realizing that he’s pissing off the entity: “You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal! Only a Carpathian would come back to life now and choose New York! Tasty pick, bonehead. If you had brain one in that huge melon on top of your neck, you would be living the sweet life out in Southern California’s beautiful San Fernando Valley!”
The HMS Titanic docks at New York Harbor and discharges its ghostly passengers. The dock supervisor says, “Well, better late than never.”
The study of slime is important.
As ghosts and demons start rampaging through NYC, Peter tells the mayor, “Lenny, have you been out on the street lately, do you know how weird it is out there? We’ve taken our own head count, there seems to be 3 million completely miserable assholes living in the Tri-State area!” What does the mayor think? “Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right.”
After the guys commandeer the Statue of Liberty to fight the evil, Peter says, “Here’s something off the request line from Liberty Island. We’re gonna squeeze some New Year’s juice from ya, Big Apple!”
To tell the truth, I could squeeze a lot of other great lines from the first two Ghostbusters films. There will be plenty more next week from Ghostbusters: Answer the Call, and Ghostbusters: Afterlife.