Bob Uecker, “Mr. Baseball”
We lost a national treasure last week. Bob Uecker, former major league catcher, baseball announcer, comedian, and all-around great guy, passed away at the age of 90. Mr. Uecker turned an uninspired baseball career (lifetime batting average of .200) into a new vocation of self-deprecating humor, as well as roles on the silver screen and on television. He will be missed.
To me, what better way to honor Bob Uecker than to present some of his best lines? I draw from his comedy routines and from two films, Major League and Major League II.
A LAUGH A MINUTE
“I think my top salary was maybe in 1966. I made $17,000 and $11,000 of that came from selling other players’ equipment.”
“I was once named Minor League Player of the Year. Unfortunately, I had been in the majors for two years at the time.”
“How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.”
“When I looked at the third base coach, he turned his back on me.”
“I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.”
“I had slumps that lasted into the winter.”
“I signed a very modest $3,000 bonus with the Braves in Milwaukee. And my old man didn’t have that kind of money to put out.”
“I knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no picture.”
“Harry Doyle here!”
MAJOR LEAGUE
In this 1989 comedy classic, Bob Uecker’s role was that of Harry Doyle, play-by-play announcer for the hapless Cleveland Indians. “Just a reminder, fans, coming up is our Die-Hard Night at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.”
“Haywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.”
A wild pitch goes all the way to the backstop: “Juu-ust a bit outside!”
“Haywood swings and crushes this one toward South America! Tomlinson is gonna need a visa to catch this one. It is outta here, and there is nothing left but a vapor trail.”
MAJOR LEAGUE II
“So, a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score.”
When a player hits a home run: “He’ll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one. That baby’s out of here.”
“My god! Good news, fans, the Indians are showing signs of life for the first time in weeks. As a matter of fact they appear to be beating the crap out of each other.”
Another opposing player hits a home run: “If that’s not Shaquille O’Neal in left, that baby’s outta here.”
Harry is drunk: “Hello, Tribe fans, welcome to Major League baseball…sort of. The attendance today is 1,412. Most of them left after that 10-run inning the Red Sox put up. Take over, Monty, I’m in the bag.”
I’ll close with a quote that, while not funny, says a lot: “After getting out of the service and going into baseball I never wanted to do anything else.”
Bob Uecker, we are so glad you went into baseball. Thank you for your Legacy of Laughter.