In these challenging times we could all use a good laugh, so this edition of Movie Lines is all about quotes from comedy films. The post first ran in 2017.
“But we Romans are rich. We’ve got a lot of gods. We’ve got a god for everything. The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation…but I hear that’s coming quickly.” – Comicus (Mel Brooks), a “stand-up philosopher,” in the outrageous 1981 film, History of the World, Part I.
One more from this film: “Did you bullshit last week?” “No.” “Did you try to bullshit last week?” “Yes!” – Unemployment office clerk (Bea Arthur) grilling Comicus.
“And remember I went up to your room afterwards and you were dressed in chick’s clothes? Yeah, you had on this black bra with tassels! You were dancing in front of a mirror with this kinda zebra skin jockstrap.” – Reggie Dunlop (the great Paul Newman) in the 1977 potty-mouth extravaganza, Slap Shot.
“Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody’s peeing on my boots and telling me it’s a rainstorm.” Sheriff Ed Earl (Burt Reynolds) in the delightful 1982 musical-comedy, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
“You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they’re both wearing , I think it stands for ‘asshole.’ Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I’m sorry about all the ‘assholes.’” – Robbie in the 2011 film, Crazy, Stupid, Love.
“Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, keep them dogies rollin’, man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get ’em up, move ’em out, wake ’em up, get ’em dressed, get ’em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs, with a big wet strap of—Rawhide!” – Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal) in one of my all-time favorite flicks, City Slickers (1991).
Another gem from Mitch: “Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.”
“I’ve been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.” – Reggie Hammond (Eddie Murphy) in the 1982 comedy-crime caper, 48 Hours. (Thirty-five years?! Gawd!)
“Holy crap, the vultures are eating my head!” – Roy O’Bannon (Owen Wilson) in the 2000 western comedy, Shanghai Noon.
“Anything’s possible, Lawrence. If it can be dreamed, it can be done. Hence the twenty-foot jackal staring right at you.” – Teddy Roosevelt (the late, great Robin Williams) in the entertaining 2006 film, Night at the Museum.
“Birdie, I’m sorry. I didn’t even get the condom on. It was ’cause of your sister’s breasts. They’re perky!” – Stevie Weeks (Ryan Northcott) in one of my favorite funny sports movies, Mystery, Alaska (1999).
One more from Mystery: “Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be chokin’ his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.” – Skank Marden (Ron Eldard).
“Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do…go through his pockets and look for loose change.” – Miracle Max (Billy Crystal) in the delightful 1987 comedy-fantasy, The Princess Bride.
And let’s finish up with the most well-known line from that classic film, a quote that has become part of the vernacular: “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
THE WIZARD FROM HARRMEL: You can also find a whole lot of laughs in my Sword & Planet spoof. Here is a scene from an early chapter. Bernie Smith, newly arrived on the world of Persus, is a prisoner of the desert people known as Luzuurs, all of whom bear the suffix or surname of “Tac.” They’ve been trying to fatten him up for a sacrifice to their monster-gods, and now they’re pissed when they discover that he hasn’t been eating all of the food they’ve been giving him.
“A sacrilege!” one guard snapped. “A most grievous sacrilege! He must be dealt with immediately!”
“I was right,” the second guard said. “Remember me mentioning just the other day how little he had changed from when we brought him here? Someone should have listened to me!”
“What the devil are all of you talking about?” I asked. “This isn’t making any sense.”
Ignoring me, they continued to rant. Sneekka Tac, his mouth open like a guy in a dentist’s chair, shook his head as he said, “Not since the days of my grandfather’s father’s grandfather has anything like this occurred!”
“Are you sure it wasn’t your father’s great-grandfather’s grandfather, oh chief?” the first guard prompted.
“No, Flankka Tac, I’m sure it was my grandfather’s father’s grandfather,” Sneekka Tac assured him.
“Odd,” the second guard said. “In the history book, oh chief, it clearly stated that it was your great-grandfather’s father’s great-grandfather—”
“Never mind, Thumm Tac,” the elder said. “Flankka Tac is right: he must be dealt with immediately!”
“But what can we do, oh chief?” Thumm Tac asked. “The next Day of Offering is months off. We dare not summon Ammawey from his feast!”
“Thumm Tac is correct, oh chief,” Flankka Tac said. “Maybe I was a bit hasty. The stranger would be more pleasing to Ammawey on the next Day of Offering, and we would have the luxury of sparing one of our own.”
Shaking his head, Sneekka Tac said, “There is something, uh, different about this one, something that tells me we’d best not wait too long…”
Even though I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, I didn’t like it. “Will someone please tell me what’s—” I began.
But Flankka Tac interrupted me by saying excitedly, “I know the teachings well, oh chief! Wimmawey the Lesser—”
Thumm Tac interrupted Flankka Tac by saying excitedly, “Yes, yes! Wimmawey the Lesser can be summoned—”
Sneekka Tac interrupted Thumm Tac by saying, “You are smart boys, both of you. Yes, she can be summoned by two strikings. Even now, while awaiting Ammawey’s leavings, Wimmawey will descend, and she will find the offering satisfactory. Ammawey will not be offended, because his own meal is far superior to the likes of this.” He pointed at me disdainfully. “The gods will be pleased, and our problem will be solved. I will go and make the arrangements.” He pointed at me again. “If he moves, or speaks, cut off a limb or two. Wimmawey is not as particular as her exalted mate.”