Jacqueline
It is nearing a year-and-a-half since I lost Jacqueline, my beloved bride, to insidious cancer. I swear, it seems as if it happened last week. My grief, while somewhat manageable at this point, will last until the Mother Ship comes to take me back to her.
Speaking of that grief, after she passed I read all of the literature that Hospice gave me, scanned some books on grief and loss, and went through nearly a year of grief counseling. In all cases I was advised that, though it may take a while, I will find joy again. To that I say…no way!
I know what joy is. I cherished it for over thirty-three years, the time that Jacqueline and I had together. It is irreplaceable. I will not know joy again.
What I will know, and am already starting to know, is how to ENjoy things.
- I will ENjoy my wonderful family.
- I will ENjoy writing my books.
- I will ENjoy rooting for my Padres, Aztecs, Hawkeyes, Fever.
- I will ENjoy taking good care of myself, as I promised Jacqueline.
- I will ENjoy many other things. But to reiterate, I will not know joy again.
When my wonderful grief counselor, who helped me immensely, told me that I will find joy again, I presented my thoughts to him. Over time he understood, and he validated my feelings, for which I will be eternally grateful.
Simply wow.
Thank you.
ENjoy is nice!
Thanks, Karen. My feelings exactly.
Hi Mike. That was expressed far better than I have been able to do with my own therapist and friends. As you know, I unexpectedly lost my husband Gerry to a heart attack last April, so I know what a hole that loss makes in one’s life. When everything had been defined by how “we” experienced it together, nothing will ever be the same again. I know that because (among many other things) I went to the Pleasanton (CA) Scottish Games alone this past weekend, and the lack of my husband by my side was jarring. So, yes, I know what you mean by ‘joy’ versus ‘ENjoy,’ but only now have a good example of putting it into words that others can understand. Thank you for that!
You’re welcome, Kate. The grief never goes away, but it does become manageable in time. My meltdowns, as I call them, have become fewer and farther apart, but I did have one last week, triggered by watching the last Indiana Jones film, where he and Marion are so old in the final scene.
That’s a great insight, Mike. Sending you a hug!
Thanks so much, Jennifer.